


The Shadows That Hide

by teapig



Series: The Terror one-shots [5]
Category: The Terror (TV 2018)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Relapse, but fluff will see them through, h/c, they're both having a rough time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-05-18 00:44:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14842341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teapig/pseuds/teapig
Summary: They'd both known that recovery from as dark a place as Francis had been in wouldn't be a one time affair... But when it kicks in again, Fitzjames finds himself reacting far worse than he'd expected.





	The Shadows That Hide

**Author's Note:**

> I'll let someone be happy one day. This turned out far more angsty than expected, and all I can say is sorry [again]

They’d both known it would happen at some point. After everything they’d been through in those dreadful two years, not to mention returning to a world that could not (or rather would not) understand the reality of what had happened to them there, adjusting back was always going to be hard. And that was before the issue of that unspoken expectation of drinking at social events, without the caveat of faith as a scapegoat. Francis had handled it with grace – politely, calmly, but firmly declining each time, with none of the defensive rage that had once marked their first winter. In the same way, sat in front of their fireplace, tea replacing a nightcap, they’d pulled together a contingency plan for what would need to happen if Francis relapsed. What would help, what would not. James didn’t have Jopson’s quiet knowledge on hand this time – not while he was travelling the continent with his new beau.

So, it shouldn’t have been quite such a shock for him to arrive home to a quiet, dark house. To find his husband bent almost in two, head in his hands, whiskey bottle thankfully unopened on the desk in front of him. Where he’d got it could be discussed another time, but for now… James took a few quick strides towards his partner, only to be brought to a standstill at the grating rawness in his voice. “James? C’n… can you take it away? Please?” It took him off guard, interrupting his instinctive reaction to take care of his husband first, and leave everything else to hang. He stood between them, torn, before reaching down to squeeze at his upper arm, kissing at his hair for just a moment. “James – James, please? Help me…” Francis’d begged in that exhausted voice, forcing Fitzjames to straighten up, getting the offending bottle out of sight as soon as he could.

By the time he returned, Crozier has begun to weep bitterly, and it was all he could do to kneel in front of his lover, take his weight as he leaned into him, and hold him close. Soon, he would get his husband into a warm bath, to try and stop the shivers that had returned after all this time – and then on to bed, for the rest he so clearly needed. “I can’t do this again, James… It should’ve killed me last time…” he’d hiccupped “’m so.. so sorry James. Y’shouldn’t have to see this, not now…” Fitzjames had been utterly unable to help beyond rubbing warm circles on his husband’s shaking back, head resting on his shoulder as he murmured soothingly in his ear. “It’ll come right this time too, Francis, I swear to you… Look how far you’ve come from, how much stronger you are than in that _hell_ a few winters ago. This is only one night, darling-.”  
“I’ve let you down, James… don’t be kind. I don’t deserve that from you.” Francis interrupted, his voice breaking. Fitzjames reached up, cradling that tear-stained face in his hand as he brushed tears away with his thumb. “You’ve not let me down in the _slightest,_ Francis! You’ve been so strong for so long… We’ll get you through this, even if it doesn’t feel like it now – we’ve got ways ahead, a thousand different leads and a future to test them in – we can do it, darling.” He assured him, meeting his tired gaze before his own emotions forced him to look away. _We have to. I’m not sure if I can live without you now_.

That night, he’d helped Crozier to bed, holding him close as past ghosts and violent shivers ripped through him like the Arctic wind had once done. “It’ll look less bleak in the morning, love. Try to get some rest, at least, even if it’s not sleep… I’ll be here.” He squeezed his shoulder firmly, before clearing his throat, “I’ll be right here with you.” He’d held a hand close over his husband’s heart, listening as it swung between racing and whispering, while his ribcage shuddered beneath his touch. In the dark, it was easy to feel helpless. Francis had always said that being held like this was the one thing that made all the difference – just as it had done when they were trapped between ice and certain death a few years ago. Then, they’d had bigger things to focus on – how they were going to get any or all of their remaining men out alive, not to mention the emerging this that lay unmentioned between them. Now, the tables had turned, and this was the inevitable threat that had been lurking nearby; unpredictable, inexplicable, and yet utterly lethal, with only luck of the draw and determination standing between his husband and a painful, sickening plummet into sickness, and eventual death. _Not my husband_ , Fitzjames thought desperately, pressing his lips gently to the sweat-soaked skin of his lover’s neck, _I can’t lose you to this as well…_

In the morning, Crozier was groggy, yes, but coping. He’d prised himself free from James’ comforting grip to stumble blearily into the bathroom, hoping to feel more human after freshening up a little… Then he’d make them both some tea, and cuddle back up to his husband, prove to him that he was alright after a rest. Last night had been disturbing, he couldn’t deny it – one whisper of what had been once becoming enough for those dark thoughts to overwhelm him again. But it had been as they’d expected – it hadn’t lasted…  
Fitzjames, meanwhile, had rolled over to find the bed empty. He’d no time to think before an icy fear sunk into his heart. “Oh _Christ,”_ he cursed to himself as he scrambled out of the bed, mind racing. _I should’ve stayed awake with him… oh God, I shouldn’t have left him alone… what if it’s too late, if I’ve lost him after all._ “Francis!” He called, voice still ragged with sleep. “Francis, where are you?” He heard movement in the bathroom, and his breath caught in his chest, consumed with fear as to what he’d find there. Gingerly, he pushed the door open, voice coming out as a strangled whisper. “Francis?”

And there he was. All soft eyes, ruffled hair, a gentle furrow to his eyebrows as he put down his towel and turned to look at him. “Why, that’s a hullabaloo of a good morning, James,” he husked, accent still thick with sleep. His eyes were tired, and yet here he was, very much alive. Fitzjames swallowed hard, suddenly feeling more than a little foolish. “I-I…. You weren’t there when I woke up. I was… was just a bit scared- “He broke off, ears burning as he stared at the floor for a moment, hands twisting in his sleeves. _Always were a drama queen, and has it ever paid off?_ His mind scolded. A ghost of guilt crept through Crozier as he saw James’ paleness switch to an embarrassed blush. “Oh James…” he sighed, striding forward to hold him close, feeling Fitzjames bury his face in his neck as he began to cling to him. He held him there, feeling his ragged breathing heaving against his chest. “I’m sorry, love, I should’ve warned you.” One hand came up to stroke James’ hair, still mussed with sleep as he turned his head to lay gentle kisses there. Fitzjames’ jaw clenched as he tried to hold back tears of relief. His husband had just had his worst night in a while – the last thing he needed now was him snivelling on his shoulder. “God, no Francis, it’s my fault… I ought to have trusted you more.” _But thank God, I haven’t lost you_ , his mind added, silently. Francis took his face in one huge, calloused hand then, raising his eyes to meet his own. “It’s alright, darling… Think we’ve both had quite the scare…” His thumb traced the tired lines that creased his husband’s face, before he leaned in, lips lingering against Fitzjames’ forehead. “How about I make us some tea, while you go warm that bed back up, hm? Then we can have a cosy chat, set everything to rights again… Would that help, even a little bit?” His voice was warm and gentle, the very same calibre as Fitzjames had first fallen in love with. Shutting his eyes, he leaned back into that warmth, savouring it for a moment, even as he worried about being clingy. “Mmm… let me help? I’d rather not… rather not have either us be alone right now.” He looked up into his husband’s eyes, hoping he would understand from the look on his face. Francis squeezed his shoulder briefly, before dropping his hand to grasp James’. “Of course not! I’d be glad of the company really.” As he led them from the bathroom, he looked up concernedly at his husband, his tall frame tense with worry. _Oh God, what’ve I set off in your busy mind?_ He wondered, leaning closer into his personal space as he did so.

The quiet simplicity of domestic routine swallowed them as they made their tea – this was how their evenings were supposed to be, Francis thought to himself – and this comfort was where he’d start for them now, no matter how delayed it was. Before long, Fitzjames was balancing two mugs on their bedside table whilst Crozier settled into bed, arms ready for his husband to snuggle into. For a few moments, then, they sat in silence, James cosied up against Francis’ side, soaking in the warmth of his very much alive husband as they sipped at their tea. Eventually, Francis broke the silence, squeezing his arm around James’ shoulders. “You comfy enough there, darling? You’ve gone quiet on me – ‘re you alright?” James leaned back, resting his head against his husband’s shoulder to look up into his kind face. “It’s me who should be asking you that, love. How’re you feeling after last night?” Francis may seem much better – but James knew as well as any man how good he could be at putting up a front. Francis heaved a sigh, thumb beginning to trace abstract circles over his husband’s forearm. “It was just one of those nights I think – the Admiralty had already been playing their normal tricks and all that,” Francis paused, grunting slightly as he shifted closer to his partner, “and then somebody had left a very _kind_ gift on the doorstep for us… They couldn’t’ve known, it was just bad timing’s all…” To fill the silence, he leaned forward, pressing gentle kisses into his partner’s soft hair. “’m still sorry you had to come home to that, though, love… Must’ve been quite the fright, no matter how much we’d anticipated it.” 

At that, Fitzjames began to curl in on himself, a bud of guilt and shame flowering in his chest. “God, it’s not your fault, Francis… I’m just sorry I didn’t get here sooner, that I wasn’t here to help when you needed me-” Francis cut him off there, one of his calloused hands coming to tilt James’ chin up, trying to persuade him to meet his gaze. “James, you did everything you could to help, and it’s made such a difference – see, it was only one night, and that’s very much thanks to you, you know?” His heart broke slightly as Fitzjames’ eyes squeezed shut, his jaw tightening then falling slack hopelessly in his hand. “I’m sorry,” he murmured again, “I just…” His voice trailed off as the one in his mind overwhelmed him, racing away beyond his control. _You’re lucky he’s as strong as he is, if you’re going to be that neglectful… Think of all the damage he could’ve done in that time, while you were out having inconsequential conversations with unimportant people. Could’ve been the difference between this and losing him._ His breathing sped up, losing any pretence of rhythm as that one, final thought overtook everything. Faintly, he could hear his husband calling his name, his strong arms coming to hold him close as he began to hyperventilate, muscles seizing as he began to shake violently. _God, what a burden you are_ , his mind whispered, _he’ll leave you anyway at this rate. That’s what people always seem to do._

Francis had known something was off with his husband this morning, that he was more anxious than usual, but he’d never dreamed it would get this bad – it’d been so long since the last one… “James? James can you hear me?” He asked, hoping he could reach him before it got too bad. When that didn’t work, he gathered him up gently, bundling him into his lap and rocking him gently, as if he were a frightened child. But if it made him feel safer, Francis would do it unquestioningly, arms wrapped around him tight enough to feel safe, but not so tightly that he’d feel trapped. “’salright, James… it’s alright, I’ve got you, love.” He murmured over and over, hoping to break whatever cycle was wracking his mind, one big hand rubbing warm circles across his back as he tried to ease its heaving. “James? If you can hear me, darling, I need you to try and take some deep breaths with me, alright? Can you do that for me?” To his relief, he felt Fitzjames give a few tight nods from where he had tucked himself into his chest, and before long the audible hitching of his breathing evened out into something more ragged, yet bearable. Moments later, the tears started, and James could do nothing but hide his burning face in his husband’s chest as he sobbed helplessly. “I-I’m sorry, I’m so-” He managed to get out before Crozier was hushing him once again, holding him close as he kissed into his hair. “Don’t apologise, James. Let it out, and then we can sort it, find a way to make it all better, okay? We’ve time, James. There’s always time.”

Eventually, the tears subsided, and Fitzjames found himself slumped against his husband’s chest, utterly worn out. When he was sure Fitzjames was steady, Francis moved, lifting him so that he could cup his tearstained face, wiping away the tears with his thumb. “Oh, my darling…” He whispered, “this has all given you a big ol’ shock, hm?” James could only nod mutely, not trusting his voice yet as he leaned into his husband’s touch. Crozier gave him time, kissing at his tired brow, and trailing his lips down to catch any final tears that escaped unbidden. He felt his partner take a deep breath beneath him, and moved back to lean into his forehead, hoping to soothe him as he started to speak. “Francis, I…Hell I’m sorry, I don’t know where that came from.”  
“There’s nothing at all to be sorry for, James,” Francis replied, his accent thick with concern. “But do you wanna talk about what’s going on in that big brain of yours, hm? Get it off your chest a bit?” James sighed, snuggling against him before wrapping one of Francis’ big arms around him, capturing his hand so that he could play with his fingers while he thought. “It sounds a bit silly…” he warned, trying to deflect as shame gripped him again. He felt a low chuckle in his husband’s chest, “Love, if I can have a meltdown over the sheer presence of a bottle – I think we’re beyond what other people see as silly by now, eh? But for now, a burden shared is a burden halved…” He wrapped his hand around James’, squeezing it tightly for a moment.

“I- I guess I’m just so _scared…”_ Crozier hummed gently in encouragement, and so he stuttered on. “-of losing you, that is… When I got home and saw you so alone, it was like I’d wasted all this time on things and people that don’t really matter, and in doing so thrown away the most important thing in my life – you. And when I woke up this morning and you weren’t there… It’s stupid, and I should’ve trusted you, but I was so scared that maybe you’d – you’d...” His eyes began to well up again, and Crozier pulled him close, heart pounding as he realised what James meant. “Oh Christ, James…” He murmured into that mop of dark hair, “it’s alright, you’re not being silly in the slightest. After everything you’ve seen me through, I’m hardly surprised really…” He trailed off for a moment, thinking through what he was about to say. “Look,” he said, tilting his head to be able to look into Fitzjames’ face. “I can’t promise that things like last night won’t happen again. I wish for both our sakes that I could, but we both know that isn’t how this works…” He shifted, gripping James’ hand with tight conviction. “But what I can promise you is that whilst there is strength left in me, I will never, ever leave you. You’re my world, James – my strength, my reason to keep on getting on, getting by. And I would never willingly let that go, you hear me? I love you too much to even consider it a real option now – I couldn’t bring myself to lose you, not anymore.”  
James’ breath caught as those earnest blue eyes searched his face, seeking out his response as he stopped speaking. With that, he reached up, locking his arms around his husband’s neck to press their foreheads together, needing to feel his warmth. “I- I love you too, Francis. More than I can find words to explain. And no matter how dark the road ahead might get, I want you by my side through it all. I need you, Francis – you show me how beautiful things can be, even in the worst of times… to show me how to be strong, how to be kind, how to love… You’ve opened my eyes, and I-I don’t think I can go back now…”  
“Well then,” Crozier interrupted, a soft smile blossoming across his face as he did so, “guess that’s us stuck together, hm? To have and to hold, as it has been from that day forward, and will be for as long as we have left, and in whatever comes after.” He pressed a feather-light kiss to his husband’s cheek, before adding “Doesn’t that sound perfect?”  
“More than perfect,” James replied, gazing back up at him, “it sounds utterly divine.”

For the rest of the morning, they lay there, completely engrossed in one another’s company, with an openness that only appears when they had both been vulnerable. There was a purity to it, that stretched far beyond the ritualistic words of their vows. They’d taken those on, yes, but they’d given them their own meaning through ideals that they could live out – that would keep them safe and happy within each other’s company, regardless of whatever would come at them in the years ahead.


End file.
